weary

feelin down after last night

second time in a week

deserted left

don't want to play games

one step forward

two steps back

talked to Rachel last night about plans for Collins and me to live together

she received the news well

commented that now I'd have help with the rent

and pow

left

again

second time in a week

all for a smoke and a drink

so angry then

so tired now

and in between there was sad and hurt

feeling disassociated

like I was afraid to respond 'cause I couldn't handle the emotional upheaval

anger and hurt had taken all from me

all my energy

think I'll wait

wait to see where we go

though I know I need to find a place where I am less impacted by the actions of another

am I feeling afraid to be involved again

afraid of losing myself in a relationship

signing off for now

will see where all this goes

all is well crafting poetry

crafting poetry

girls scribble across pages

eyes study words

movements breathing upon the page

hands deliberate print and scrawl

erasers clear the space to include a rethought

all is well crafting poetry

The rocks

Time has to be the greatest rock. I always wish I had more time to write. All week I wished I had the time to write about my feelings about the election of Barack Obama. Always feel I have so many other things that I have to do. I'm off first period every day and the time always fills up with work to prepare for teaching. After school and work at Earth Kids I feed the dogs, fix supper for myself and pow. I'm dashed. Hardly the energy to write, draw, create. So if time is my obstacle the rock in my path for writing, I guess I need to make time for writing like I make time to work, clean house, pay bills. Which I do a lame job at. So writing on this blog has gotten me to write about once a week here. I get to my journal at least once a week, too. What could I do to get myself to a place where I write daily? What do I do daily? Brush my teeth. Eat. Pee. Drink water. Walk. I know it won't work to tie it to walking. Maybe balance the walk. Write before bed. Only problem with that is that I'm so tired. Walking is my starting point. Need to use writing as another starting point.

Wish I'd do more with my writing to communicate. Share my writing more. Maybe a creative way to share weekly something special I write with Collins each week. A weekly gift of words. Now that's something I like. I'd even like the idea of sharing my words with Laura and Rachel weekly, too. Now that's an idea. Hitting this rock will allow me to maneuver into new and different waters.

Putting two lives together

I know you always told me that it wouldn't be easy. Funny it's so easy between us. When it's just the two of us. The fact is that it's not just the two of us. We are affected by so many. I really don't know my place with everyone added on added in. Family and lover. How do those things stand together? Family is personal. There are ties that bind. For me I will always be the mother of my daughters. For you the father of your children. So where do we fit in to all of this? For me the easiest thing is to be open ask questions. For you I know you hate to talk about things if you don't have to. I think I want you to tell me how you want me to be. When you want my input and when you want me to be quiet. We have come to far to screw things up now. Truly it's Evan and the girls. Blair and Reed will probably on pass through our lives. Seemed a little odd sharing my car this weekend, but it's an easy thing to do. I'm sure it will feel weird to share my home. With each passing day, week, month I become more accustomed to the house being mine. Easy to think about sharing a bedroom with Collins. Love the idea of a regular roomie. Harder to think about adjusting a larger part of me and my space for children though I know their presence will only be brief. I want them to feel comfortable here. At home. Realize I need to help make their space theirs. Probably aren't any rule books or guidelines for this sort of thing. Probably wouldn't agree with half of whatever I found anyway.