weary

feelin down after last night

second time in a week

deserted left

don't want to play games

one step forward

two steps back

talked to Rachel last night about plans for Collins and me to live together

she received the news well

commented that now I'd have help with the rent

and pow

left

again

second time in a week

all for a smoke and a drink

so angry then

so tired now

and in between there was sad and hurt

feeling disassociated

like I was afraid to respond 'cause I couldn't handle the emotional upheaval

anger and hurt had taken all from me

all my energy

think I'll wait

wait to see where we go

though I know I need to find a place where I am less impacted by the actions of another

am I feeling afraid to be involved again

afraid of losing myself in a relationship

signing off for now

will see where all this goes

all is well crafting poetry

crafting poetry

girls scribble across pages

eyes study words

movements breathing upon the page

hands deliberate print and scrawl

erasers clear the space to include a rethought

all is well crafting poetry

The rocks

Time has to be the greatest rock. I always wish I had more time to write. All week I wished I had the time to write about my feelings about the election of Barack Obama. Always feel I have so many other things that I have to do. I'm off first period every day and the time always fills up with work to prepare for teaching. After school and work at Earth Kids I feed the dogs, fix supper for myself and pow. I'm dashed. Hardly the energy to write, draw, create. So if time is my obstacle the rock in my path for writing, I guess I need to make time for writing like I make time to work, clean house, pay bills. Which I do a lame job at. So writing on this blog has gotten me to write about once a week here. I get to my journal at least once a week, too. What could I do to get myself to a place where I write daily? What do I do daily? Brush my teeth. Eat. Pee. Drink water. Walk. I know it won't work to tie it to walking. Maybe balance the walk. Write before bed. Only problem with that is that I'm so tired. Walking is my starting point. Need to use writing as another starting point.

Wish I'd do more with my writing to communicate. Share my writing more. Maybe a creative way to share weekly something special I write with Collins each week. A weekly gift of words. Now that's something I like. I'd even like the idea of sharing my words with Laura and Rachel weekly, too. Now that's an idea. Hitting this rock will allow me to maneuver into new and different waters.

Putting two lives together

I know you always told me that it wouldn't be easy. Funny it's so easy between us. When it's just the two of us. The fact is that it's not just the two of us. We are affected by so many. I really don't know my place with everyone added on added in. Family and lover. How do those things stand together? Family is personal. There are ties that bind. For me I will always be the mother of my daughters. For you the father of your children. So where do we fit in to all of this? For me the easiest thing is to be open ask questions. For you I know you hate to talk about things if you don't have to. I think I want you to tell me how you want me to be. When you want my input and when you want me to be quiet. We have come to far to screw things up now. Truly it's Evan and the girls. Blair and Reed will probably on pass through our lives. Seemed a little odd sharing my car this weekend, but it's an easy thing to do. I'm sure it will feel weird to share my home. With each passing day, week, month I become more accustomed to the house being mine. Easy to think about sharing a bedroom with Collins. Love the idea of a regular roomie. Harder to think about adjusting a larger part of me and my space for children though I know their presence will only be brief. I want them to feel comfortable here. At home. Realize I need to help make their space theirs. Probably aren't any rule books or guidelines for this sort of thing. Probably wouldn't agree with half of whatever I found anyway.

A day of butterflies

today sitting out on the back porch

a cool sunny morning

I look up and see a butterfly weaving through the leaves of a nearby shrub

reminding me of a rainy October afternoon two years ago

you and I huddled beneath the canopy of a grand pecan tree

as the rain poured around us

sitting quietly the essence of pecan filled the air mixed with the smell of fresh rain

the edges of pecan leaves silhouetted against a gray sky

sharp and curved

quietly we sat as butterflies fell from the leaves

hundreds dropped

orange and black monarchs filled the area beneath the branches' canopy

soft sounds of amazement left our parted lips

eyes glanced towards each other

that shared moment

a connection in a vast expanse of emptiness

reminding me the embers remained

only soft quiet breaths would reignite the flame

10/9/08

Entry 3

So what did I fall in love with today-today is a good day for this prompt cause the day has been a bit overwhelming; so what rays of light came through my busy world; morning woke to a kitty on my pillow ok the one beside me; that brought a smile to my lips; he'd let me sleep through the night; the dogs woke me when one of them heard something in the middle of the night; oh praise the dog chorus; one cannot sing without the other; so I guess my day began brightly with sweet thoughts rising from the sight of a slumbering cat; nice muggy walk; not bothersome, both pups were easy; ok, I did hit the ground running when I got to school; yea, I can always get my grading done sooner, but I do feel like I'm on top of it this six weeks; so many snags; can't figure if it's me or the girls; me trying to help the girls which only causes me to run around trying to remember what they need to get to me; to I want their work more than they want to give me their work? Rachel's lesson went well in that it allowed me to hear from so many girls as they wrote and conferenced; they really do sound like writers; seem to have the habits of writers; the lesson was fine, not perfect, but fine; seemed to go better than when I taught it a little later; of course I was teaching and checking in for missed work; film, eh, what can I find that went well in film; a few questions I was able to help the girls solve? I don't know not terribly productive; certainly not 100%; do I have to always strive for 100%; sometimes I think the girls would like a lower key teacher; I'm easy in film; friendly in advisory; but I do take my language arts classes seriously; poor girls; did manage to verify grades before our meeting; nothing surprising; our meeting discussing the girls at least reminded me that I am just like all other teachers; I guess I hold the bar a little bit higher for myself; don't see that changing; so back to 3 things; what have I fallen love with today; I loved walking to a cat sleeping on the next pillow; I loved waking knowing that he had not disturbed my sleep; I feel in love with the chance to hear the girls talk about their writing; I loved that they sound like writers themselves that they take themselves seriously; they have developed habits of writers; I guess once again I have had the chance to fall in love with my human side; fall in love with the me who is fallible; know that I try hard; know that I am not always as good as I wish to be, and I know it; know that from time to time reality does slip in for me and recognize that my moments of being truly human are just like those of the people around me; maybe they like me more when I fall off my pedestal of teacher aiming to be the best; I wonder if my students would like me more if they could see my hair hang down instead of always being the woman who is on; who is on her game and on their you know whats; I guess I should say that I love that writing helped me loosen up; the prompt from Georgia Heard's Writing Toward Home says that every time we fall in love something that before was closed inside us opens and creativity begins to flow.

10/6/08

Entry 2

worked out back sweeping the yard; clearing out, through the dead lawn; clearing the dog doo; thanks Jack; funny it's an improvement though it hardly looks good; reminded me of my dad talking about swept yards when he was growing up in Waynesboro; remains of reconstruction; it is an improvement; I'm beginning to see the possibilities for landscaping and gardening in the back; a raised bed in the lower end; probably flowers and other shade tolerant perrenials; also seem to need some sort of terracing; something that looked like an outcrop would be nice; the porch seems to have effected the slope causing it to be more dramatic; sitting here thinking about it I know we'll need to bring soil in

10/5/08

getting started

always wondering what I can do to write; really write; thought I'd try a blog; today as I walked the greenbelt; typical saturday am diversion with Collins and dogs I thought about what I wouldn't want to forget about this day; we saw a snake on the greenbelt; after recalling the red on yellow rhyme I realized it was a coral snake; not close enough to recognize a venomous head; so it's october 4th and to the best of my memory the first coral snake I've seen this year - 2008; beautiful morning amazing light so clear; the greens glittered each edge was so clean; so much light; easy loving walk after a week which has definitely given me cause for the first time to wonder how to make steps in our relationship; realizing it's not gonna be easy; will definitely need to learn how to steer; keep track of me in a relationship; balance with love; also important not to force myself on someone else either

10/4/08